My Eye Doctor Adventure (Trust me, it's hilarious)

You can't take me anywhere.  Remember as a kid, your parents would make stupid jokes in public that only THEY thought were hilarious?  And you're thinking, "Please tell me I'm not actually related to these people..." 

Well that's me.  Not the embarassed one, but the embarasser.  The parent. The one who won't shut up.  

So today I go to the eye doctor, because my 6 month supply of contacts were on their 16th month, and this is how it started:

I'm filling out the patient information form, and I get to the insurance part.  I shamelessly prance up to the counter - 

Me: Excuse me, can you tell me the name of my insurance? 
Front Desk Lady: It's on your card. 
Me: I know, but there are what seem to be two different names and I'm confused.
Front Desk Lady: It's this one right here... *points to obvious insurance name*
Me: Thanks!  I'll consider myself a true adult when I finally understand my insurance.

Then it's time for pre-screening.  Seriously, you can't take me anywhere.

Eye person: Okay, lean against this machine and - 
Me: Wait, is this the air puff machine? 
EP: Nope!  You're going to put your cheek against the blue pad, looking straight into the light, but make sure your nose doesn't go in the hole, and press down. 
Me: Um, what? 
EP:  Rest your cheek against the blue pad and look straight ahead. Don't get your nose in the hole. (Editor's note: Reminder - we're talking about an eye machine.  Nothing dirty. Carry on.) 
Me:  Okay... like this? 
EP:  Turn your head and look straight into the light. 
Me: But if I turn my head, my cheek won't be on the blue pad. 
EP:  Yes it will.  Lean your head against the pad and look straight ahead. 
Me: But if I look straight ahead, my nose will go in the hole. (again, still not dirty.)

***Next Test***

EP: Okay, now you're going to rest your chin agai---
Me: Is THIS the air puff machine? 
EP: No ma'am. 
Me: Okay, continue. 

***Next Test*** 

EP: I need you to sit in this chair and face -
Me: Is this the air puff machine? 
EP: No ma'am. 
Me: Okay, go on. 

***Next Test***

Me: Is this the air puff machine? 
EP: No, we won't do that today. 
Me: Good. Some people are scared of the dentist; I'm scared of the eye doctor.
EP: *looks at me like I'm crazy* 

So now the eye doctor comes in to take my medical history. 

Doctor:  Do you smoke or have you ever smoked? 
Me: Nope, never smoked. 
Doctor:  Do you drink alcohol? 
Me: Oh, absolutely. 
Doctor:  Do you drink mostly beer, liquior or w--
Me: Wine. 
Doctor:  Any diabetes in your family? 
Me: Oh yes. *lists all the family members with diabetes* I'm pretty sure I'll get it too one day. 
Doctor:  Any *lists 8 million possible medical conditions*... 
Me:  No.  No.  No.  Not that I know of.  Not that I know of.  No.  No.  Umm... I don't think so... No.  No.  No.  No.  No.  No.  Not that I know of.  No.  No.  No.  Umm.. you'd have to ask my dad.  No.  No.  No.  Umm.....

Now it's time to pick out glasses. YES!  Here's how THAT went down: 

Me: I want Zooey Deschanel glasses! 
Girl Helping Me:  I'm not sure what those look like. 
Me: Really?  Don't you watch New Girl?
Girl: No... 
Me: OMG YOU SHOULD!  Hang on, let me google them for you. 
Girl: Oh those are cute!  How about these? 
Me:  Ooooh I love them!  YES I want to get these! Let me just look at the other frames to be sure. 

.......17 minutes later.... 

Me:  This is why my friends don't go shopping with me.  I have to try on every single item.  Twice.  But yes, I definitely want to go with the ones I picked out nearly 20 minutes ago.  

Long story short, I now have new glasses on the way, and a fresh 12-month supply of contacts.  Watch me make those b**ches last 20 months.  

But really... who's never seen New Girl!? 

Sometimes you just need your best friend to say "yes, you look big in that!"

Ever watch that show where the super rich kid is addicted to shopping, and daddy finally takes away the credit card while the football player boyfriend sits her down in a shopping intervention? She cries and cries, sells her beloved name brands to Plato's Closet, then hates her parents and boyfriend for ruining her life?  I don't remember the name of it, but I should be on it.  Minus the superrich part. And daddy's credit card. And football player boyfriend.

Every now and then, I need my friends to tell me NOT to buy something!  If I didn't have them acting as my willpower, my closet would be overflowing with items I wore once, and my bank account would be emptier than the Walmart toy aisle the day after Christmas. 

So yesterday, during my semi-weekly treasure hunt at TJ Maxx, I found this 

dress:

 

 I was looking for something mixed with leather, and this Michael Kors dress has leather sleeves. It's $60 (down from $195), and I'm in LOVE!  But I had that gut feeling that this wasn't a good purchase, and I needed to be talked out of it.  So I texted my best friend Jaime the picture, and this is what she said:

 

 

She was right, I WAS just in the mood to buy something. But look how pretty it is!!!!  A few hours later, I realized how much I miss the dress and needed more discipline:

 

 

 

 

Sometimes you just need your best friend to tell you that yes, it DOES make your ass/stomach/arms/legs/earlobes look fat!  Even if it doesn't. Besides, now I have more money for Black Friday!