My Eye Doctor Adventure (Trust me, it's hilarious)

You can't take me anywhere.  Remember as a kid, your parents would make stupid jokes in public that only THEY thought were hilarious?  And you're thinking, "Please tell me I'm not actually related to these people..." 

Well that's me.  Not the embarassed one, but the embarasser.  The parent. The one who won't shut up.  

So today I go to the eye doctor, because my 6 month supply of contacts were on their 16th month, and this is how it started:

I'm filling out the patient information form, and I get to the insurance part.  I shamelessly prance up to the counter - 

Me: Excuse me, can you tell me the name of my insurance? 
Front Desk Lady: It's on your card. 
Me: I know, but there are what seem to be two different names and I'm confused.
Front Desk Lady: It's this one right here... *points to obvious insurance name*
Me: Thanks!  I'll consider myself a true adult when I finally understand my insurance.

Then it's time for pre-screening.  Seriously, you can't take me anywhere.

Eye person: Okay, lean against this machine and - 
Me: Wait, is this the air puff machine? 
EP: Nope!  You're going to put your cheek against the blue pad, looking straight into the light, but make sure your nose doesn't go in the hole, and press down. 
Me: Um, what? 
EP:  Rest your cheek against the blue pad and look straight ahead. Don't get your nose in the hole. (Editor's note: Reminder - we're talking about an eye machine.  Nothing dirty. Carry on.) 
Me:  Okay... like this? 
EP:  Turn your head and look straight into the light. 
Me: But if I turn my head, my cheek won't be on the blue pad. 
EP:  Yes it will.  Lean your head against the pad and look straight ahead. 
Me: But if I look straight ahead, my nose will go in the hole. (again, still not dirty.)

***Next Test***

EP: Okay, now you're going to rest your chin agai---
Me: Is THIS the air puff machine? 
EP: No ma'am. 
Me: Okay, continue. 

***Next Test*** 

EP: I need you to sit in this chair and face -
Me: Is this the air puff machine? 
EP: No ma'am. 
Me: Okay, go on. 

***Next Test***

Me: Is this the air puff machine? 
EP: No, we won't do that today. 
Me: Good. Some people are scared of the dentist; I'm scared of the eye doctor.
EP: *looks at me like I'm crazy* 

So now the eye doctor comes in to take my medical history. 

Doctor:  Do you smoke or have you ever smoked? 
Me: Nope, never smoked. 
Doctor:  Do you drink alcohol? 
Me: Oh, absolutely. 
Doctor:  Do you drink mostly beer, liquior or w--
Me: Wine. 
Doctor:  Any diabetes in your family? 
Me: Oh yes. *lists all the family members with diabetes* I'm pretty sure I'll get it too one day. 
Doctor:  Any *lists 8 million possible medical conditions*... 
Me:  No.  No.  No.  Not that I know of.  Not that I know of.  No.  No.  Umm... I don't think so... No.  No.  No.  No.  No.  No.  Not that I know of.  No.  No.  No.  Umm.. you'd have to ask my dad.  No.  No.  No.  Umm.....

Now it's time to pick out glasses. YES!  Here's how THAT went down: 

Me: I want Zooey Deschanel glasses! 
Girl Helping Me:  I'm not sure what those look like. 
Me: Really?  Don't you watch New Girl?
Girl: No... 
Me: OMG YOU SHOULD!  Hang on, let me google them for you. 
Girl: Oh those are cute!  How about these? 
Me:  Ooooh I love them!  YES I want to get these! Let me just look at the other frames to be sure. 

.......17 minutes later.... 

Me:  This is why my friends don't go shopping with me.  I have to try on every single item.  Twice.  But yes, I definitely want to go with the ones I picked out nearly 20 minutes ago.  

Long story short, I now have new glasses on the way, and a fresh 12-month supply of contacts.  Watch me make those b**ches last 20 months.  

But really... who's never seen New Girl!? 

Sometimes you just need your best friend to say "yes, you look big in that!"

Ever watch that show where the super rich kid is addicted to shopping, and daddy finally takes away the credit card while the football player boyfriend sits her down in a shopping intervention? She cries and cries, sells her beloved name brands to Plato's Closet, then hates her parents and boyfriend for ruining her life?  I don't remember the name of it, but I should be on it.  Minus the superrich part. And daddy's credit card. And football player boyfriend.

Every now and then, I need my friends to tell me NOT to buy something!  If I didn't have them acting as my willpower, my closet would be overflowing with items I wore once, and my bank account would be emptier than the Walmart toy aisle the day after Christmas. 

So yesterday, during my semi-weekly treasure hunt at TJ Maxx, I found this 

dress:

 

 I was looking for something mixed with leather, and this Michael Kors dress has leather sleeves. It's $60 (down from $195), and I'm in LOVE!  But I had that gut feeling that this wasn't a good purchase, and I needed to be talked out of it.  So I texted my best friend Jaime the picture, and this is what she said:

 

 

She was right, I WAS just in the mood to buy something. But look how pretty it is!!!!  A few hours later, I realized how much I miss the dress and needed more discipline:

 

 

 

 

Sometimes you just need your best friend to tell you that yes, it DOES make your ass/stomach/arms/legs/earlobes look fat!  Even if it doesn't. Besides, now I have more money for Black Friday!

How's the weather? How's your husband?

You watch Sex and the City, right? (If you just said “No”, immediately hit up Netflix. Or come on over, I have all the DVDs.)  Anyway, remember the episode in season 3-ish, when the girls are at an engagement party? Someone asks Miranda if she’s seeing anyone special, and she jokes about seeing “unspecial” guys.

I felt like I had to do that the other day. Actually, all week! Maybe it’s because Sweetest Day, the lamest holiday EVER, is today, but all week people have been asking me about a husband. Talking about relationships is the new talking about the weather.  People don’t care if it’s going to rain anymore, what matters is do you have a diamond on your finger!

It started when I was telling someone about moving. I said I was excited to go, but really scared. I’m leaving my home, the place I’m comfortable with, and the friends I love. Her response was an enthusiastic, “Maybe you’ll meet your future husband there!”

See? That really did happen. 

Two days later, I had a similar conversation with someone else. This time I was freaking out a little more about moving (I don’t like change!), and she said, “Who knows, maybe the man of your dreams will be there.” 

I can't make this up.

I think about three other people said pretty much the exact same thing. “Maybe your husband is there!” 

………And if he’s not? Does that mean this move will be a waste of time? Is meeting a husband the only good thing that could happen there?  Forget advancing my career, or discovering a new hobby, or making great new friends.  Nope, I must find the love of my life.

Thankfully I have my male friends too, who remind me of the important things (like the big football team in this town… ugh).

Just yesterday I was on the phone catching up with an old friend I haven’t talked to in years. After updating me on her kids’ progress, she asked, “So, do you have a man?”  No honey, I have Sex and the City.  Sometimes without the city.  

Get your boobs felt up this month!

Is it October already?! No flipping way. Someone wake up Green Day! (Is that overused yet? Yeah? Okay, moving on…)

In case you haven’t seen the cover of any women’s magazine lately, it’s also Breast Cancer Awareness Month!  Companies give you many options to raise awareness – buy their pink nail polish, buy their pink watches, buy their pink whatever-they-happen-to-specialize-in, etc.  You can get all the pink streaks in your hair you want (and I kind of want to do that), but you know the best thing you can do this month?  Get a mammogram. 

I know what you’re thinking: “Ummm hellooooo I’m not 40 yet!”  You know who doesn’t care? Breast cancer.  I really don’t know why they say you don’t need a mammogram until you’re 40.  Does cancer have some sort of clock? As soon as you turn 40, its alarm goes off saying it’s time to invade your body? Not that I’m aware of. 

My mom and me on Thanksgiving 1998

My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 34.  She had no family history, no factors that statistics say cause it (like waiting to have kids), no reason to believe she was at a higher risk of breast cancer. She just got it.  Unfortunately, she didn’t make it to 40. She didn’t even make it to 38. 

So why are doctors/insurance companies saying wait until 40? I got my first one last year.  I had to fight with my insurance company to cover it, but I got it.  It’s really easy – you just go in there, they flatten your boobs like a pancake (seriously didn’t know it flattened that much), take a few quick pictures, and you’re done!  It doesn’t hurt –okay, it’s not the most comfortable thing in the world, but it’s not painful. And it’s so relieving when you get that letter saying, “There is no mammographic evidence of malignancy.” BAM! I’m cancer-free! Until next year.

So this month, instead of buying all things pink (well, you can do that too), take an afternoon off and get a mammogram. You can make it easier like I did and make a day of it with your best friend! She went with me, then we had margaritas with lunch to celebrate!

Then, when that lovely little letter comes in, jump up and down for joy. Then straighten out your pink-streaked hair and get on with your cancer-free life. 

Is this EVER okay in an interview??

Today during my semi-routine trip to Starbucks, I was lucky enough to sit next to a job interview - I promptly put my headphones on, pretending not to eavesdrop.

Not only did I learn this guy (who's kinda hot, not gonna lie) would be working part time for close to minimum wage at some software company and that the interviewer wants to know where he sees himself in two years, but that also he made a very big fashion no-no:

He. Wore. Shorts.

Okay, I get it. It's hot outside.  The interview seems casual (I mean it's taking place at Starbucks for latte's sake), and the interviewer is wearing jeans.  But he's also wearing nice jeans that reach all the way to his ankles, and paired them with a button down shirt.

And the guy wanting the job is wearing shorts. And twitching his leg.

Is this EVER okay?? Tweet me! @KaciKruz

Lipstick and Bananas

Bananas are so hard to buy.  If you get the green ones, you have to wait a few days to eat them (and I have no patience when it comes to food). If you get the yellow ones, you have a day to eat ALL of them before they're a brown disgusting mush.  So the bought to eaten ratio of bananas ends up being 5:1.

That's how I am with lipstick. Lipstick, lip gloss, lip stain... I always end up hating whatever I get.  When will I learn that no matter how many different brands and colors I try, I hate the feel of lipstick and will stick to my traditional strawberry Chapstick?

Not yet, apparently. I FINALLY found a lipstick that I actually like! The color I picked is not too pink, not too red, and it doesn't make me look like a hooker.  It doesn't dry out my lips or feel sticky or clump at the side of my mouth.  And the best part?? It was $1.99 at Walgreens.  BAM!

Score one point for Wet N Wild!  They also carry my favorite nail polish, also $1.99.  

Have you found any favorite beauty products lately? Tweet me! @KaciKruz 

Best friends tell you you're fat.

Ever watch that show where the super rich kid is addicted to shopping, and daddy finally takes away the credit card while the football player boyfriend sits her down in a shopping intervention? She cries and cries, sells her beloved name brands to Plato's Closet, then hates her parents and boyfriend for ruining her life?  I don't remember the name of it, but I should be on it.  Minus the super rich part. And daddy's credit card. And football player boyfriend. 

Every now and then, I need my friends to tell me NOT to buy something!  If I didn't have them acting as my willpower, my closet would be overflowing with items I wore once, and my bank account would be emptier than the Walmart toy aisle the day after Christmas.  

So yesterday, during my semi-weekly treasure hunt at TJ Maxx, I found this dress: 

I was looking for something mixed with leather, and this Michael Kors dress has leather sleeves. It's $60 (down from $195), and I'm in LOVE!  But I had that gut feeling that this wasn't a good purchase, and I needed to be talked out of it.  So I texted my best friend Jaime the picture, and this is what she said: 

She was right, I WAS just in the mood to buy something. But look how pretty it is!!!!  A few hours later, I realized how much I miss the dress and needed more discipline: 

Sometimes you just need your best friend to tell you that yes, it DOES make your ass/stomach/arms/legs/earlobes look fat!  Even if it doesn't.  Besides, I'm waiting anxiously for these pants to come to Target Sept. 9: 

That'll curb my leather craving for a little while.  Until I go shopping in Chicago with my aunt over Thanksgiving, anyway. ;)